I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
