i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
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after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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