while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
