got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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