and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
