i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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