playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
