I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
