yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
