Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
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Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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