im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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