Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
