Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
