So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
