Your face is a jimmy john
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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