I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
