I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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