Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
