Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
