What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
