Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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