im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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