Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
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Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
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I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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