last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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