Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
