There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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