did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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