I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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