ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you