Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
