proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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