took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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