I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i drank out of a bidet.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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