I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize