Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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