So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
