I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
