Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
