New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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