I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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