i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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