dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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