Texts From Last Night

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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
  Replies (66) Good night (4610) Bad night (1220)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.

  (256): View more from Alabama

  that was the beginning of the end.

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  (256): So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school. (256): that was the beginning of the end. http://tfl.nu/usmt
  Replies (23) Good night (673) Bad night (3520)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work

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  (443): no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work http://tfl.nu/0acv
  Replies (9) Good night (553) Bad night (3702)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???

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  (501): he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date??? http://tfl.nu/obkl
  Replies (30) Good night (6396) Bad night (1221)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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  (856): the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed http://tfl.nu/39rg
  Replies (42) Good night (11302) Bad night (1457)
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!

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  (414): I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name! http://tfl.nu/m6pe
  Replies (22) Good night (6047) Bad night (717)
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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  (312): You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer. http://tfl.nu/l87h
  Replies (10) Good night (8309) Bad night (911)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him

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  (412): I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him http://tfl.nu/tu5w
  Replies (4) Good night (954) Bad night (1908)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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  (302): He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice". http://tfl.nu/55zb
  Replies (23) Good night (5061) Bad night (1596)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.

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  (732): thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal. http://tfl.nu/c0z7
  Replies (12) Good night (4103) Bad night (928)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience

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  (978): Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience http://tfl.nu/snc8
  Replies (12) Good night (2630) Bad night (743)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.

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  (402): Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy. http://tfl.nu/5n13
  Replies (5) Good night (1608) Bad night (553)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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  (281): And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways. http://tfl.nu/b6k4
  Replies (3) Good night (1307) Bad night (458)
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  We can Fuck in the shower to save time

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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  (262): We can Fuck in the shower to save time (1-262): And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative. http://tfl.nu/wr55
  Replies (5) Good night (1425) Bad night (323)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?

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  (708): was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time? http://tfl.nu/ea5t
  Replies (5) Good night (769) Bad night (223)

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