Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
