Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL