I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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