The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
