On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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