I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
