To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
