She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need to calm my uterus...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
