are you still at the devil's house?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
