Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
