his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
