I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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