Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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